In the beginning there was nothing. Then there was light. Eventually, there were some planets. Some other stuff happened, and there were humans. In the process of destroying their planet, they discovered music. They didn’t invent it, but they learned to harness it, to control it, and to love it, and eventually (like everything else) to exploit it. As people found new uses for music, they began to make it easier and easier to create and to listen to. Today in our society, it’s everywhere. Almost every inch of the habitable planet is covered in electromagnetic waves carrying signals that can be translated into hundreds of kinds of music. Music is a huge business. Music can bring one power and money and, don’t forget… “chicks dig it”.
This is why I started to play the guitar. My sister dated a guy who played guitar in high school, and I was envious of how all the girls at school thought he was so cool. Even my mom got out her old guitar so he could play it for us. Apparently, he liked my mom’s guitar better than his own. So he offered to teach me to play his older, more shitty guitar, in exchange for letting him play my mom’s nicer, better guitar until he was able to buy himself a decent one. Being the insecure, dateless geek that I was, I figured I’d give it a shot.
Within a few months I could play whole songs…slowly and badly, but I kept practicing. Eventually, he got that new guitar, and dumped my sister the next day. Duh. I was on my own. I used my mom’s old chord books to learn some new Paul Simon and Beatles songs. Soon I was able to start playing along to songs I heard on the radio. I began being the backup guitar player for every girl in high-school that wanted to sing Indigo Girls at our Stunt Talent Night. I was getting closer to getting chicks. But I needed more. As long as I was in the background, they’d never see me as the rock star I pretended they thought I was before I went to bed every night. Sometimes twice.
So, I decided I start a band. My best friend played classical piano, something we’d been making fun of for years. In the afternoon, he’d have to go home early so he could “tickle the ivories”, and the rest of us would stop playing basketball, roll in the grass and laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh. But, he was good. And I decided that I could exploit his talent, too. So I taught him some songs. Together we practiced for a few hours every day. We’d even practice in lieu of basketball. But we learned some songs, and got better at them. Then we talked to the drummer in the school band. He was in. The three of us set up in my parents’ garage and practiced “Tripping Billies” and “Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll”. It didn’t take long for us to realize that none of us could sing worth a shit. So we advertised for a singer. We found one quickly. And we added another guitar player who played Christian songs with the local cult. Then, for good measure we added another guitar player.
My parents decided that they could hear us too well for us to play in their garage, and we started playing at the drummer’s grandmother’s house, twice a week. Every time we played, she would make us cookies. We began to refer to practice as “cookie sessions”, and eventually decided that since Pearl Jam had named their band after someone’s grandmother’s jelly, we would be “Grandma’s Cookies”. (We’ll talk about terrible band names in another post.) We signed up for the high school battle of the bands. The winner was decided by crowd noise, which would be mostly students, so to make sure we won, we told the most popular guy in the senior class that he could sing for us. He was aweful, but it totally worked. Our terrible band with a collective musical experience of 3.5 years, with three guitar players and no bass player, won the high school battle of the bands with the following set list:
Old Time Rock ‘n Roll – Bob Seger
Bertha – The Grateful Dead
Hold Her Down – Toad The Wet Sprocket
Rear View Mirror – Pearl Jam
White Room – Cream
We were finally stars. Suddenly everyone knew who I was. I was not only invited, but driven to the seniors’ drinking party that night. I hung out with the cool kids. I drank a beer. I even felt up a chick in the backyard of the party. I had gotten my first ”feel” of fame and nothing could stop me.
Chicks still dig rock stars, right?
Popularity: 37% [?]
Tagged as: bands, chicks, Music, Rock Star
Hell yeah! A very nice post Newman!
please tell me we can expect another installment.
There is plenty more. I’ll try and get one out a week.
Chicks still dig rock stars, right?
What about the ‘chicks’ who play rock and roll? Us guys need to have someone to lust after too. Donna C. and Donna R. - I am calling your names. Also Joan Jett - you are in my dreams and you hurt me but it felt so so right.
PJ Harvey is sexy
Oh my good god damn. Are we making a list? Because I could. In fact I think I have one here.
/digs out crumpled piece of notebook paper I’ve been adding to since age 14.
Neko Case!!!
if i hadn’t looked like such a friggin’ dork in high school, or had been less shy, i might have been able to actually play the high school rock star role….
well you got me beat bri, not only was I a dork, but I couldn’t even play the triangle with any success.
i just admitted to a friend today that i have a decade-plus crush on fiona apple. he kindly suggested that if i’m really serious about getting addicted to heroin then maybe i should just skip the middleman and make a play for amy winehouse instead.
No way. Fiona is hot. Winehouse is crazy. Growing up, i had a thing for the lead singer from the GoGo’s, Belinda Carlile, I believe. Uh.
I think it’s different now, cause you can’t be a rock star without being good looking. The music industry just won’t have it. And it certainly helps to bring a crowd.
hmmm….i don’t particularly think Amy Winehouse is good looking!
how ’bout that Shania Twain. yee-haw.
@11, of course i agree with you. and @12, with you too.
fiona apple is crazy hot, AND also regular crazy, which is hot.
amy winehouse is hideous and irrevocably polluted. no, no, noooo.
Wendy O’ Williams made my pants fit funny.
Avril, too. That girl is bad and needs to be spanked. She once told me she didn’t like my girlfriend, so I dumped her.
we should definitely start a thread of “Worst Band Names of Bands You’ve Actually Been In”.
That one is coming. Hang tight. I’ve got a bunch of ‘em.
[…] 1, Part 2, Part […]
[…] Part 1, Part 2 […]
[…] 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part […]
[…] 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part […]
[…] 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part […]
[…] 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part […]
[…] 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part […]
[…] 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part […]
[…] 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part […]
[…] 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part […]
[…] Episodes: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, […]
[…] Episodes: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 , 14 , […]
[…] Episodes: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 , 14 , 15, […]
[…] Episodes: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, […]
[…] Episodes: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, […]
[…] Episodes: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, […]
[…] Episodes: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 , […]
[…] Episodes: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 , 20, […]
[…] Episodes: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, […]
[…] Episodes: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, […]